What Makes Up A Loner?

"Contact with my own species has always disappointed me, but not so much as I have always disappointed myself." ~The Loner

I am a Loner

This is not intended to be a pity-part, just the story of how one person and how he was pushed into, willingly and by the actions of others, the life of a loner. I have learned throughout life and with the help of others telling me, that I am a pathetic loser, not deserving of happiness, love or anything other form of happiness that everyone else is deserving of. What I have done so horrible in my life to deserve this I will never know. Perhaps I am being punished for some indiscretion made years ago that I don't remember. All I know is that I am a loner because I am unwanted, unloved and unneeded by others.

All I ever wanted in life is to love and to be loved just like everyone else I know. Throughout my adult life women have told me that I am not worthy of being love, that I am undeserving of being loved. I have been told also that women don't find me attractive or physically appealing in any way to them; that my touch is repulsive to them, (I have actually had someone use these exact words.) I wanted to have a family of my own only to be told that any woman that would want my children should be forced to be sterilized, or if pregnant, be forced to abort the pregnancy; that my gene pool should be stopped at all costs, (again, almost exact quotes here.)

I wanted friends too, like everyone else. No one shared this feeling. Sure, as long as I had something they wanted, or I was buying, I had friends. Take those factors away and I had no friends. I remember actually hearing at a place I worked once some co-workers planning a road trip. They did not know I was in hearing range when they said that they didn't want me knowing about the upcoming trip, that everyone was tired of me "tagging" along on these social, non-company sponsored events. Other jobs were the same. My co-workers would get together on weekends for cookouts or parties, yet I was never invited to these events. One person told me the reason I was never invited was because I was the only one that couldn't find a date. They would always laugh when they said they never met a guy like me that just could never get a date.

I am not the stereotype of loner, the one portrayed by the media or movies. I do not wish to live in a secluded cabin, (although this though is somewhat inviting.) I wish no harm upon others, with the exception to myself, since I feel that I am the only one deserving of punishment. Punishment for what? The best answer I can come up with is the fact that I consider myself a waste of space, a failure and a nobody. I always seem to be the butt of jokes. No one respects me or my opinion. In fact, while being the part of discussion groups and opinions are asked, I am told that no on is interested in my opinion.

Reasons behind my decision to be a loner. (Some are redundant reasons.)

Failure of Career Goals

I have tried all my life to become someone, to succeed. All my life I have failed myself and others, no matter how hard I have tried. I went to college, gained experience worked hard but would always fall short of my goals while others I knew put in one-half the effort in their career efforts and had a success rate far above what I could have dreamed. No matter how much effort I put into achieving my goals, I always failed. Oh, I had the very minor successes, but never could reach the true goal that I desired.

Failure in Friendships

I have only had four true friendships throughout my life, all of which have ended. The first was when I was a child. This friendship ended since we both were growing up in military families. We moved, friendship over. The second was during my high school years. This one ended after we became roommates. The third and fourth ended due to marriage. Oh, the friendship lingered for a while after they got married, but soon they bored of me and pushed me out of their lives.

Failure in Relationships

I wanted a family. I wanted to love and to be loved just like other people I knew. They found someone, I never did. They were happy, I never was. I guess they had more to offer that I ever could. Oh, I would find someone now and then, rarely, but I found soon after they spoke of love, they were talking about the love of what I could give them, not love of me as a person. I guess I was just a pathetic joke to them. I was someone that they could use and then discard like a soiled tissue. Yes, I have been told I was loved; all lies. I had been engaged four times, but each and every time they proved that they were not in love with me. They all found someone to cheat on me with. I guess I couldn't give them the things they needed to remain true, to be faithful. They just wanted to use me for their own interests. But who could blame them? After all, why would any woman want to share their life with the likes of someone like me? I guess I just didn't have what it takes to keep a woman's love, let alone deserve it.

Dating also led me to my decision. A totally unscientific poll shows why. For ever twenty ladies I asked out on a date, or asked for their number the following happened.

  • 60% - Would say a resounding NO when asked.

  • 20% - Would intentionally give me a wrong telephone number.

  • 10% - Who gave me their number would never answer or return my call should I leave them a message.

  • 9% - Would accept the date, but then stand me up.

  • 1% - Would actually go out with me.

With the percentages against me like this, is it any wonder why I quit asking?

Other contributing factors

There are other factors that have pushed me to the point of being a loner. Take the fact that I have never been invited to any social events, or should I say very rarely. At work, my co-workers would plan a non-company get together but I was never invited. Taking this further, I remember once overhearing some co-workers planning a road trip to a New Orleans and reminding each other to not mention it to me because no one wanted me to "tag along."

You might add that I have a way turning people away. I remember in college being the first one into the first day of class. I would pick a seat and when people would come in, they would choose to sit as far from me as possible. Worse was when I placed my books down on a desk and go to get a soda. When I came back, someone would be sitting in the desk next to mine. I would say hello to them only to have them, (usually a female) pick up their books and find another seat, all the while never even acknowledge that I said hello to them.

I have tried dating sites as others have recommended only to be called "offensive" and a "jerk." Even when I had an active Facebook account, 99% of my contacts deleted me. One true "friend" named Jennifer, who I used to work with, said she would always stand by my side and defend me. This too changed. Her final words to me before deleting me from Facebook was, "You are the most pathetic excuse for a man I have ever met." Twenty four hours later she deleted me from her contact list. She never gave me a reason for this comment and just twenty four hours prior to her comment we were joking and kidding on Facebook. I guess I just bring out the best in people.

I don't have self-worth anymore. I always thought highly of myself, not pompous or egotistical, but thought I was a nice person, decent man and caring of others. Unfortunately, with years upon years of people tearing you down either in word or in action, I have no positive self-esteem, only the curious question whether or not I have any meaning in life. I don't seem to contribute, only take. I am incapable of being liked, let alone loved. I am just tolerated. There has to be more for me, but the only thing I find more of is hurt, disappointment, rejection and disdain.

Is there any real wonder why I am a loner? I am not wanted, I serve no purpose, I am a disposable human being. Once gone I will be soon forgotten and never missed.