Katherine's Story

January 1, 2018

I met Katherine on November 21, 2017 at work. She works in a different department and I had to assist her with some technical issue.

When I arrived I was greeted by the most incredibly beautiful, lovely young lady I had seen in a long time. Her name was Katherine. Her eyes and smile would make any man smile. Her laugh was intoxicating. I kidded with Katherine because she seemed to blush when I talked to her. Needless to say I was quite smitten by her. I knew from this point that I had to see more of her. My question was, would she feel the same. I mean, how could someone so incredible ever be interested in someone like me? I was hesitant, yet intrigued by what was happening.

Initially, because of the age difference, I tried to push Katherine away. She didn't take this lightly, however. She continued to try to wedge her way into my life, slowly. Each time she pushed, she removed part of the wall that I had built to protect me against ever being hurt again. Since this method didn't work, I tried to encourage her thinking she might soon forget me. This too didn't work, and quite frankly I was happy it didn't. I soon realized that I wanted to open my heart once more and try this again, still all the while hoping I wasn't going to regret my actions as I have in the past.

Over the next few weeks I found excuses to visit her office. With each visit I was greeted by her beauty and her blushing, and of course I still kidded her about this. I finally asked why she blushed so when I visited her; her answer was, "I don't know." I felt I knew, and so did she. She was just to shy to tell me.

Eventually I asked for her number and was quite happy she gave it to me. We talk on a regular basis and I hope that this relationship goes positively for me. You see, Katherine got around the wall that I built up to protect me. I just hope that I have not made a very big mistake.

The relationship grows

February 1, 2018

It's been a while now since Katherine and I are "seeing" each other. With each day I feel more of the wall coming down while at the same time my feelings for her grow stronger and stronger. Yes, there is an age difference, but tell that to my heart. All it will ask is, "Are you happy?" All I can answer is, "Yes."

Not only do I find Katherine beautiful, I find her extremely sexy and desirable. I haven't told her this yet, but I have a feeling that she might know my feelings. I find myself being aroused just being around her and without even being touched. Yet, at the same time, I just want to be around her. When I am away from her I feel such an emptiness within me. This emptiness is only filled by the sound of her sweet voice or her presence. I can honestly say at this point that I am falling head-over-heels in love with Katherine. I am just so very scared that my heart is going to take another hit. It has happened before, why should anything be different? I want Katherine so very badly, and I don't just mean in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense as well. I want to share my life with her. I want to share every day with her.

Though we have had some differences, I have found that together we have overcome any issue. It is like we were put on this Earth for each other. But then this could be my heart just telling me that I was falling in love with her. We are there for each other; we depend on each other for strength. My promise to her is to be here for her, to stand by her, to keep her safe, keep her sound, to love her, to cherish her and to never hurt her intentionally. I have never felt so strongly about these feeling. I am scared.

With each day I felt closer, more in love with Katherine. She had succeeded in filling a void within me; she filled it with love. I have not experienced such happiness, such peace and well being in years. She tells me how much she loves me too, not only in word, but in action as well. Her gentle touch, her leaning her head on my shoulder. Maybe I have been to cold, too alone to remember these feelings from a woman, but Katherine has awaken my heart and caused it to remember what it is like to be loved once again. After all these years I felt I could never love again; Katherine has shown me the way to love once more.

Other things Katherine has given me

February 27, 2018

Before Katherine, for so many years, I have been unable to trust, especially a woman, and most especially one that I was involved with. In the past my trust was worn away by deceit, by lies and by cheating. For some strange reason I don't have these feelings with Katherine. It is as if she were sent to me to help cleanse my heart, to allow me to feel trust and not anxiety from a woman. Perhaps God, if one believes in him, sent her to me to show me that I don't deserve to be alone any more. Maybe this was his answer to my prayers many years ago to send someone to me that could love me as much as I loved her. Maybe there is a God after all.

Something's happening, and it is not good

March 20, 2018

Well, for four glorious months things have been going well, but suddenly I feel that something has changed. Katherine has now gotten colder, more distant. She doesn't say "I love you" the way she used to do. I wonder what I have done wrong to this most precious love of mine? What could I have done to cause her to feel differently toward me now? Perhaps it could just be me. I have been beating myself up for this. I have always lost in love. I have also screwed things up just being myself. If I have hurt Katherine in any way, unknowingly, I will have no other choice that to punish myself for my wrong doings, whatever they may have been. My punishment is undetermined at this point.

Sadness, pain and self-worth

March 22, 2018

I just learned from Katherine that she is depressed because she feels she has no self worth. She sees herself as ugly inside and out. Some of this is due to personal family issues, some are from within herself. I see nothing but beauty when I see her. I feel nothing but gentleness when I hold her or kiss her. I hear words of sadness from her now. She has asked me to give her space; space to grow as an individual and to find out why she feels the way she does. I will. I have promised. I have also promised to stand by her, to support her, to be here for her at any time day or night. I just want to make her feel as needed as she is by me, to see the beautiful woman she is and to be happy. I think I'll cry myself to sleep tonight because I feel so helpless. I love her so deeply and though I know it's not my fault the way she feels, I feel I should take some blame as if I didn't fall in love with her, she may not have fallen in love with me.

I'll give her the space she asks, but I will always be here for her. I have no other choice. I cannot turn away. I love Katherine and would give my life without hesitation if it would mean a lifetime of happiness for her. I don't think I have ever loved anyone with such intensity in my life.

Separation And Crickets

March 28, 2018

I have had very little contact with Katherine since we got together for lunch last Friday. She is so troubled, so depressed and there is nothing I can do to help her except give her the space she has asked. I feel helpless and I to am now very depressed. I never have felt that with my own depression in missing Katherine so much that I might be helping her. I guess it's my own deep feelings about Katherine that keeps me from going over the edge of sanity into the darkness of the tunnel of madness. I miss her so much; I want my Katherine back the way she was before her depression engulfed her. The separation between us cuts like a knife upon my heart. My soul bleeds for her; my heart cries at night for the sound of her voice.

I stepped outside briefly tonight. The air was cool and I knew if Katherine were here with me, she would be cold. If she were here I would give her the warmth of my arms. She's not here. There is something about nights like this, something that makes being alone even more sad for me. The crickets are out tonight, all calling out and the night sky is sprayed with the stars that look down upon me; the loneliness without Katherine in my life is suffocating. I have to survive, I must survive, not for myself but for Katherine. I promised that I would stand by her no matter what and I will not break this promise to her. I feel as if the crickets are telling me to hold on...hold on...oh, please hold on. Hold on for the both of us. I must hold on for the both of us. Katherine is the most important person in my life and I want her to keep loving me as much as I love her. Damned this depression of hers. Damned those demons that are holding my sweetheart hostage. I would gladly fight them, if I only knew how. The crickets are still asking me to hold on, take one night at a time. They tell me to allow myself to cry missing Katherine. The crickets tonight are my friends. I hope Katherine steps outside and hears the crickets too, for I know they will tell her the same thing, to hold on..hold on...oh, please hold on for you are deeply loved and are needed so very much by Steve, and within your heart you need and love Steve very much as well. Oh, please hold on, the crickets are crying.

The Weak Little Girl

March 30, 2018

A couple of days ago, Katherine told me she didn't like who she was as a person. She said she had "lost" herself and wants to find out who she is again. When I asked her who she wanted to be, she replied,

"I don't know who the girl I want to be is yet, that is why i need time, to figure out me, figure out how i feel, figure out how to find myself again. The girl I wish to be is much different than the girl you met. I know when we met i looked like i was all put together and knew who i was and everything, but when we met i was crying myself to sleep, Dying inside and found the only purpose in me was to work and go to school. I am still that weak little girl to this day. I don't like being her."

Personally, I do not see, nor have ever seen the "weak little girl" that Katherine describes. I have always seen her with a spark of strength, purpose and direction in her life, of course this could have been the side of her she wished to portray. I did see an air of naiveté which I found very endearing, very charming. It was something about this naiveté that is somewhat refreshing to me. I hope that whoever Katherine finds as herself, she will never lose this quality. Regardless as to whether or not this quality remains, I will still feel the same about her as I do today; nothing can change this.

Whoever Katherine finds herself as, I will support her, stand by her side and fight for her. Katherine once commented to me that we must have been destined to meet, that there was a reason our lives were joined. She also stated that she felt that perhaps this union was so that the both of us could find strength, hope and trust and probably most importantly, the ability to be able to love and to be loved. These were the things that we both were lacking. I believed she was right then, and I still do. I too, with all of my heart feel that there was a purpose in our meeting. I feel that we in so many ways need each other, to help and support each other in the times we really need support, love and understanding. This is why I will never turn my back on Katherine. I'll never betray her trust, her love, her kindness or her naiveté that I find most precious. I want this "weak little girl" to find the inner strength she so much desires, so much needs. I want her to be the person she wants to be. I can do no other but this because I love her. I feel that our lives and our souls are truly inter-woven. I only hope that she, after finding herself, will still want me to be there for her as well.

Doing Everything Wrong

April 2, 2018

Well, Easter has come and gone as well as a week off of work because of Spring Break. I haven't even spoken with Katherine in over a week; just a few text messages here and there.

I have asked other's, (professional) opinion as to the best way to be supportive of Katherine while she is fighting her depression and have been told I am doing the right thing; to be supportive, to be here for her and to let her know that I am concerned and that I do care very much for her. Most importantly I have been told to not turn away from her, to let her know that I am still here, daily. I've been doing this but am failing miserably.

For example, on Easter I sent her a text message wishing her a Happy Easter. I never received a response. I started to feel as if maybe perhaps she had blocked my messages but she finally wrote back that she had been busy with family and had not blocked my messages. OK, I can understand this. She also wrote that she needs the space she asked for. I am trying to do this, but how can I do both? How can I give her the space she needs while still letting her know that I love her, care about her, am deeply concerned about her all rolled into one? I seem to be doing everything wrong and I feel totally worthless. How long is this depression going to keep her hostage? One minute she sounds, (in her text messages) upbeat and maybe getting better then suddenly she sounds, again in her text messages, that she is sorry now that she even met me. I know it's the depression talking, and I am able to cope with this, but I still feel that no matter what I try to do for her, I fail. I feel like I am totally failing Katherine and this is not what I want to do.

All I want to do is to let Katherine know how I feel. I want her to know that there is someone here in her corner fighting for her. I want to tell her how much I love her and miss her, but those words fall on deaf ears. She doesn't want to hear those words from me. I know it is the depression blocking those words, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that I am failing her.

I feel at times I am making matters worse for Katherine instead of better. I feel that perhaps I should punish myself for hurting the one I truly love and care about. I can't do this though as Katherine and I have made a promise to each other. We both promised each other that we will never intentionally harm ourselves ever again, and I do not intend to ever break this promise to her as I know she would never break her promise to me to never harm herself again as well.

Katherine Has Spoken

April 2, 2018

Katherine finally admitted that she wasn't sure if she still loves me or not. Why does this not surprise me? Why would I ever expect such a beautiful women to love me. Of course she hasn't said she didn't love me, just not sure. I can't change her mind if she decides she doesn't.

She said her friends have been telling her to not talk to me, or at least agreeing with Katherine when it comes to talking to me. Of course they are going to tell her not to talk to me; no one has ever been on my side when it comes to romance or even a very close friendship. They don't even know me but somehow have found fault in me; everyone finds faults in me, never can I remember someone finding something good in me, except Katherine. At least she found something good in me for a while. I don't know what I did to change her opinion of me, but maybe I just had to be myself to bring the change.

I have always felt like I was unworthy of being loved. Katherine changed that opinion of myself, only if for a brief moment. For a moment of time in my life I actually felt I was worthy of being loved, but I guess this was just a dream. I must now remember that being loved is not possible, at least not for me. If Katherine decides that she does love me, perhaps my dream can begin again. Only time will tell.

It seems that Katherine is on the mend, and I am glad for this. Her happiness is all I wanted, I just hoped that I could be part of that happiness. Again, I'll walk alone in my life, unless Katherine asks otherwise.

One Brick At A Time

April 6, 2018

I was able to see Katherine this week a couple of times, and those times to me were precious. When she hugged me for the first time in two weeks I felt as if the arms of an angel were holding me, and in my eyes I was in the arms of an angel. I even became a little emotional around her, but this emotion came from my heart; the happiness it had been missing was coming back to life. All it took was a hug.

I do wish I could spend a little more time with Katherine, talking and just being in her company is all I need, but she still wants her space and I must respect this. This healing process she is going through will take time and I must keep remembering this. I do not wish to upset her; I do not wish for her to push me away. She isn't pushing me away now and I want to keep it this way.

This afternoon I unintentionally upset her when I asked if she had some time to meet me after work, just to talk. She said that she didn't because of some homework she had to complete. I asked for fifteen minutes and at this point I could sense she was upset; this reaction was never what I intended. I just wanted to tell Katherine something that I felt was very important for me to tell her. That's why I wanted a few minutes with her. Since I couldn't get the fifteen minutes, I have decided to write my thoughts down for her to read when she can. Here goes. This is what I wanted to say to you this afternoon face-to-face.

Katherine. When we met I liked you immediately, but I had a wall around me. I pushed you away, blocked you by the wall. You saw my wall and respected it. You liked me, it was obvious, as I liked you, but I had a wall. Slowly, brick by brick you started to tear my wall down. I could have retreated only to replace the bricks, but I didn't. There was, (and still is) something about you that stopped me from rebuilding the wall, from replacing the bricks. Something about you yet unknown, had called my heart into action but what it was, I don't know, yet. I let you in, but you wanted in too. I refused to rebuild the wall and allowed you to tear it down, slowly, brick by brick. Suddenly, I knew why I allowed you to do this. The obvious reasons were I liked you very, very much, (and still do,) I trusted you, (and still do,) I felt safe around you, (and still do,) and I enjoyed your company, (and I still do.) I never intended in falling in love with you, but now that I am there, and even though we have been apart for a couple of weeks, I know that my feelings for you are as true as any could be. They are not there for my selfish pleasure, but for me to share with you. I want to make you happy, to make you feel safe and secure, to let you know that when life get you down, you can pull yourself back up, but should you need an extra hand from time to time to pull yourself up, I'll be by your side, giving you my hand and with our hands together, fingers intertwined, we can overcome anything...toghether.

So please Katherine, please be patient with me, with my heart. If I seem pushy from time to time, I don't mean to be. It may be my heart reaching out for just one minute more of your time, for just another smile, just one more gentle touch of your hand upon mine, for just another look from your beautiful eyes; the eyes that have shot their arrows into my heart.

You Katherine, tore the wall down. It took you time, it took patience and it took a desire to be with me. I figured that you have invested so much time in tearing down my wall that you must see something special in me, something that no other woman has seen, and I thank you. I too will take time with you Katherine, for all of the good things you have seen in me I too see in you. I won't give up on you Katherine. Please don't give up on me.