The Darkness

April 11, 2018

The darkness seems like it's been here for eternity, though it has only been days. I am alone the darkness, though I am surrounded by people, people everywhere, I know, I hear them. They don't see me because of the darkness. I go unheard, unseen, unnoticed because of the darkness.

I'm walking on a path without any directions, without any idea when it will end. I am meant to suffer alone; I must suffer alone. This darkness feels unnatural. Human beings are to be in relationships, or so I thought. The darkness is fear. There is no freedom in it. The darkness is anxiety and worry and it's sister, uncertainty, it's friend. The darkness is endless wonder about endless wondering. Wondering about what transgressions committed have sentenced me to this darkness. The darkness is cold with no hope for warmth, yet it can also be unbearable heat. The darkness is an awful paradox.

The darkness is like drowning in a sea or in a crowd of people, unseen, unnoticed, unwanted and unloved. The darkness is believing that my existence is insignificant and believing that I am meaningless to anyone and anything. The darkness is tragedy; it is heartbreak and hardship and hurt. The darkness is being covered in open wounds and scars that never heal. The darkness is shame.

The darkness means misery and sorrow. It is grieving with no hope. It is blinding and deafening. The darkness is feeling unable, discarded, unwanted, and unloved. The darkness captivates nothing and no one, but me. The darkness is a bad dream that I cannot wake from; I feel I will never see the light of day.

The darkness constricts my heart while it slowly cripples my body, mind and soul. The darkness is unconscious and numb. The darkness holds endless tears for change, any change that will tell me that I am alive, that I am worthy of being alive. The darkness is dying at every moment. The darkness is death.

I have never experienced the darkness before, until now. The darkness did not have a name, until now. Within the darkness I cry out for someone, anyone that can guide me out. There is no answer. I am in this darkness alone, unseen, unwanted, unloved. There is no one who can help me find my way out, there is no one who cares. The darkness is my new home, I live here alone. I must be deserving of the darkness. I must accept it as my friend. I see no hope in the darkness, just existence without purpose, life without meaning, days without hope and nights without mornings to come. I must walk alone in my darkness embracing it as my new friend, but what friend do I have in this darkness I have yet to discover. I must live in this darkness alone as it seems to be my punishment for crimes against the soul, against my heart, crimes that I was unaware I had committed.

The darkness is a deserving prison for those who are unwanted, unloved and undeserving. For people like me the darkness must be our home. I see no way out, I know not which direction to go. I have never experienced the darkness, until now. The darkness did not have a name, until now.

It's name is loneliness.