The Wall

August 23, 2017

I have a wall, but I guess we all do. My wall has been specially constructed though to not only keep people out, but it also keeps me from reaching out, emotionally. I do this for a very special reason. I do this to protect myself from taking chances, emotionally. I have taken so many chances and have had my heart broken so many times ... I just can't bear the pain and hurt of having my heart ripped open anymore.

I envy in a way those other men who don't care, never get hurt and are able to look down upon other men as myself who do allow ourselves to admit we hurt, we are sad ... that we feel. I envy them in a way, but yet I too feel sorry for them. Can they really know how to give of themselves to others, honestly and without thought of reward? Perhaps they can. I don't know as I am not one of these men.

All I know is what I am, who I am and how I choose to be as a human being, a man. I am just a man, that's all. I have my little successes, but I have had more of my share of failures. Those failure that hurt the most are the ones that involve giving my heart to another. I gave. I give. I get nothing in return. Love is to be shared. When shared it is one of the most wonderful feelings a human can share, can have. When the love isn't shared, it becomes one of the worst pains a person is asked to bear. This unreturned love is like a slow, painful suicide, one that releases the darkness of our inner soul, engulfing, choking, killing the one that has opened their heart to another.

I have died too many times. My heart has become scarred beyond repair, yet it has not become stone. I don't want my heart to become stone; I want to give, to care, and maybe someday, to again love. A heart of stone cannot do this, but a heart badly scarred can.

I keep my wall around me. I will push others away and only hope that one day I might meet that special lady who has been able to breach my wall, to sneak in and touch my heart whispering "I can love you too."